Mike was one of the best car mechanics in Bloomington.
He’d been working on cars for the better part of two decades. He was making a great living, had a wonderful, supporting wife named Linda, and a steady stream of returning customers. But Mike and Linda were not able to have children of their own, so knowing that he had no one to pass his business on to, to say that Mike was discontent, would be a massive understatement. Mike and Linda were getting old.
This sad situation led Mike and Linda to make some…shall we say…questionable decisions. You see, Both Linda and Mike desperately wanted a family. One day, Linda had an idea. Linda’s housekeeper was a young and attractive woman named Natalia, and over the years they had grown very close. Since Linda couldn’t have children of her own, and since Natalia was so close to the family, she thought, why not let Mike sleep with Natalia, with the hope that Natalia might carry Mike’s child?
Mike loved the idea, and frankly, so did Natalia. Alas, nature did what nature does, and a child was born. They named him Billy.
As the old saying goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. As the days turned to weeks and the weeks turned to months, Linda become increasingly enraged with jealousy. She couldn’t stand the sight of Natalia nor Billy. Mike could see Linda’s hatred starting to bubble up.
Now here’s where things started to get a little bit weird.
Mike was getting really old, and he was starting to hear voices in his head. For him, this seemed perfectly normal. But to those around him, it was a bit freaky. He was starting to have serious, back and forth conversations with himself.
One day, Mike pulled Linda aside and told her something.
“Linda,” said Mike, “we’re going to have a baby of our own!”
Linda was of course, incredulous.
“Mike, I’m an old woman. You’re an old man. Have you completely lost your mind?”
“Linda, I don’t question the voice. And the voice told me it is to be,” said Mike.
And wouldn’t you know it, Linda got pregnant! Turns out, she wasn’t too old to have kids after all. But this had a slightly unintended side effect. Mike was now convinced that the voice in his head had some kind of magical power.
So, Mike and Linda finally had a child of their own. They named him Alex. And while there was still some tension between Natalia and Linda, with both Billy and Alex being Mike’s sons, Mike reassured them both that the voice in his head was telling them that everything was going to be great!
Until one day, when the voice told Mike that Alex had to die.
The voice in Mike’s head had grown…insecure. After all the good that it had brought to Mike, with the growing shop, the wife, the mistresses, the kids, it was beginning to question Mike’s devotion.
“Mike, the next time you’re in the shop with young Alex,” the voice said, “I’m going to need you to do something for me.”
“What is it?” answered Mike, hesitantly. He didn’t like the tone the voice in his head had adopted, but he had grown to trust its every instruction.
“Mike, I’m going to need you lay Alex across the large anvil in the back of the shop. Then you need to file the edge of spark plug so that it comes to a fine point. Finally, you need to use the ball-peen hammer, and drive that spark-plug right into Alex’s little heart.”
Do you think Mike balked at his own insanity? Do you think he dropped what he was doing and called an ambulance to come pick him up immediately for a psychological evaluation?
Mike did exactly what Mike told Mike to do.
The next day, the young Alex was in the shop, watching as his dad filed the spark-plug down to a pencil sharp point.
“Dad,” said Alex, “what are you doing?”
“Following instructions my son,” said Mike, wild-eyed, as he turned to face his son, hammer in one hand, spark-plug in the other.
He lunged for Alex. The boy was no match for the much stronger mechanic, whose hands had grown powerful over decades of working on car engines. He grabbed the child and lashed him to the anvil in the back. The boy was screaming and crying, but it was no use. He was tied fast to the cold steel.
Mike was breathing in and out in great gulps of air. His adrenaline was surging. He loved his son dearly, but he felt he must follow the commandments of the voice! He stood over the child, placed the spark-plug over the boy’s tiny sternum, raised the ball-peen hammer high above his head, and just as he was about to plunge the metal into Alex’s rapidly beating heart, the voice spoke to him.
“Mike! Mike! It’s me. Your voice. Hang on,” said the voice.
Mike stopped mid swing.
“You don’t really have to kill him. I was just checking to see if you really liked me,” it said. “Wow. I mean, you were really going to do it weren’t you? You were about to kill your own kid!”
The voice was giddy.
Mike said, “But you told me to do it?”
“I know, I know, I just wanted to test you. Listen, never mind that you should be arrested for attempted murder and probably locked away for the rest of your life in a mental health facility for the criminally insane, and never mind that Alex will need countless hours of therapy and will probably suffer from PTSD for the rest of his life. What matters is, that you love and worship me!”
Mike had a hearty laugh, and went on to become the founding figure of the two largest religions in the world.